Jiah Khan's suicide - Who's to blame?

Actress, Jiah Khan committed suicide on Jun 3rd. After that there were a few speculations about why she committed suicide - failing career in the movie industry, inability to meet Rabia Khan’s expectations. A few days later her suicide note revealed the facts and stopped the guessing game.

The letter expresses her love for Suraj Pancholi. She has dreamed of a future with him, but he has betrayed her by going behind other women. She wrote about how she loved him and showered him with gifts but her love for him was never reciprocated. She wrote about the physical pain he caused her, the rapes, the physical abuse and finally the abortion. She could not imagine a world without him and could not bear to witness his unfaithfulness so she ended her life.

After I read her letter, I felt really sad for her; sad for loosing a meaningful life for a worthless person. It also made me ask the question, ‘Why did she choose to undergo such humiliation? Why couldn’t she just walk away from that relationship? Why didn’t she understand that physical abuse is different from love and that there no love when there is violence?’

A couple of weeks ago I read an interesting article in Femina about why women choose to stay in abusive relationships. For an outsider getting out of such relationship is as simple as walking out of the door, but for an insider it takes as much courage to stay in an abusive relationship as getting out.

Abuse is a disease that progresses in stages. It starts with requests  -  not wearing a particular dress, coming home after work and not going anywhere else because he cannot bear to be away from you even for a moment. These innocuous requests are followed by humiliation. He says you dress weird or you don’t look good or you are not so intelligent to do your own stuff, you need help and he maligns your family. Slanders from the person you loved, rip your soul apart piece by piece. As women withstand such behaviour, it progresses to physical abuse. They raise their hand for the simplest reasons. Abuse becomes a dose of medicine that has to be prescribed every day to keep you in track. The abused during this process starts shutting down from her partner, from her family and the whole world. There is an overwhelming sense of loneliness and desperation which leads her to take drastic measures.

An abusive relationship is not devoid of a few intimate magical moments. It is these moments that the victims hold on to, hoping that the abuser would change. Everything would get back to normal just like it was before, just like in the fairy tales. In the Indian scenario, it is much more complicated. What would your family think? What would your friends think if you walk away? There is stigma of being a single woman. If you have kids, then it is a point of no return, the kids’ need their father, no matter how much the mother has to suffer to be in that relationship.

The only medicine for this disease is to realize what constitutes a abuse. Women should understand that nothing justifies a rash or demeaning behaviour by your spouse/partner. Love blinds symptoms of psychological and physical abuse by providing excuses for such behaviour, maybe he is stressed out at work, and maybe you have done something wrong which deserves such harsh treatment.  Love and abuse do not go together. Relationships should be built on mutual respect and love. Seek help, take relationship counselling sessions, take support of friends and family and curb the cancerous growth of abuse before it is too late.

RIP Jiah Khan

Environment friendly fashion

On the occasion of World Environment Day, our company has called vendors to set up a few stalls inside the campus. There were stalls of plants, solar heaters, jewellery and Tupperware. I did not understand why Tupperware would be considered environment friendly, but it was there. Among all the stalls, I was fascinated by the jewellery stall (being a woman that should not come as a surprise). The woman at the stall was selling jewellery made with rice grains. They were pretty and did not look delicate at all. The jewellery is perfectly recyclable. After you are done wearing it you can eat it if you are hungry. That got me thinking what kind of recyclable jewellery is out there. 

The website, ‘mode’ had a few DIY projects of food based jewellery. I loved this simple necklace made of pistachio shells.

http://modemalaysia.blogspot.in/2013/01/5-amazing-jewellery-made-from-food.html

There were also earrings made of pasta on the same website. Wearing pasta earrings would look kind of weird.

 My search for recyclable fashion led me to these earrings made of coffee beans. As the day progresses, you can eat the coffee bean and get instant caffeine kick. 

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=494837827201609&set=a.494837653868293.121493.124694037549325&type=3&theater

Someday I will be brave enough to wear the edible jewellery and not eat it

I also found a few other creative stuff made out of unwanted porcelain wares and the objects found during nature hikes.

I would not mind wearing these bracelets. They look pretty. I hope that they are not as delicate as they look. 

http://www.treehugger.com/sustainable-product-design/recycled-vintage-tea-cup-bracelets-StayGoldMaryRose.html

The caps and brooches made by Sara Breakfield using the objects found during nature hikes are stunning and attractive. 

 http://www.treehugger.com/slideshows/sustainable-fashion/timeless-fashions-made-objects-found-during-nature-hikes/page/6/#slide-top

Raw fashion is all around us, waiting to be molded as per the whims of the wearer.

What gets posted and liked

Facebook (FB), the social media giant is in the news again, regarding non-moderation of posts which denigrate women. These posts glorify rape and domestic violence against women. The posts show women who are drugged and are unconscious and there are sleazy comments which encourage rape on the pictures. It is surprising that these posts were not deleted by the moderators. As per the moderators these posts were in the category of humor and free speech.

These so called posts of free speech are in the true sense hate speeches against women. These hate speeches were brought to the notice of FB by several feminist groups but FB did not remove these posts. It was only when Women Action & Media (WAM) launched a massive campaign against the maligning pages and posts ( http://www.womenactionmedia.org/events/take-action-to-end-gender-based-hate-speech-on-facebook/ ) did FB care. The activists of WAM sent more than 5000 e-mails to facebook advertisers and more than 60,000 posts on twitter under the name #FBrape and prompted companies like Nissan, Dove and a few dozen other companies to withdraw their ads from facebook (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/29/business/media/facebook-says-it-failed-to-stop-misogynous-pages.html?_r=1& ).After a few advertisers had agreed to remove their ads on FB, the media giant hastily acknowledged that there was flaw in their practices of moderation when it comes to gender-based posts and agreed to train their employees more effectively in future. The moral compass of FB pointed only towards making money. 

 

http://www.womenactionmedia.org/why-wam/why-wam-matters/

WAM is an independent North American non-profit organisation that fights for gender justice in media. When I read about WAM, I felt we should have something like this in India too. When was the last time you saw a movie which was female-centric? The last movie that I have seen is Vidya Balan’s Kahaani. Compared to our Bollywood hero centric movies female centric movies are just a handful. Tollywood scores much better with movies like Antapuram, Arundhati, Misamma and Anukokunda oka roju. All of these movies were great hits in spite of having a female-oriented story. When we do have such hits, why don’t director’s make movies with dominant female roles and are compelled to produce movies with an item number; movies in which heroines either cry or smile and adorn the screen with their half-naked bodies? It is because weaker, sexy female is what the masses want and it is easy money for the industry, there is no need to think too hard about the story. Similar to facebook, which did not step down until the advertisers decided to withdraw their ads, the movie industry also runs on paisa.  We need a desi WAM.

Are you leaning in?

About four years ago, I attended Women in Science and Engineering (WISE) session on personality development in Montreal, Canada. To this day, I follow what the speaker of that workshop told us, ‘always sit at the table, sit in the front row during the presentations and speak up to get noticed. 

Four years later, I read a similar thing in the book, ‘Lean In’. The author of ‘Lean In’ is Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Face book. The book starts with the question, ‘Why don’t we have women leaders? What is stopping us from filling half of the leadership positions in the world? In this book, she discusses various issues that prevent women from aspiring bigger roles. Below are few of the interesting things I learned from this book

Women in powerful positions are less likable not only by men but also by women. The society in general expects a woman to be compassionate and helpful. When women in influential positions take harsh decisions, nobody likes it. 

The professional world today is a jungle gym. It is no longer a smooth climbing ladder. Moving from one company to another for a better position is the natural process for growth. When attending an interview ask the interviewers, ‘What is your problem and how can I solve it?’ It is all about aiding the company to grow.

Sandberg also recounts of the instances when she was one of the few females in meetings and whenever she raised her voice to speak she was either overlooked or interrupted while asking questions. She claims that rebuttal is a natural response of men and most of the times they are not aware about it, it happens subconsciously. So speak up in spite of being put down, do not take it personally.

Sandberg also discusses about how women downsize their ambitions even before having children, because sooner or later they will have the kids and have to make all the sacrifices. She discusses a very good point that even if women plan to have a kid, there is full nine months before the child is born. If a woman takes higher roles before the nine month period she will have enough time to adapt to the new role. After the pregnancy break she will be in a different position from where she started and the new position will be an incentive to get back to work. 

The professional success of a woman is not solely defined by her accomplishments. It also depends on the support from the spouse. Involve your spouse in bringing up the child and encourage him to take a share of the household responsibilities. Women have the myth of doing it all, being a supermom and also a super working professional. There will always be tradeoffs, but always take support of your spouse, loved ones and friends to get through tough situations.

She ends her book by saying that we should start talking more about vacuum of women in leadership roles. Women should also support other women to grow provided they have the right credentials and not be prejudiced or biased. 

‘Lean In’ is a great book in which Sheryl Sandberg brings all the skeletons out of the closet and discusses about various issues that women face to grow professionally. It is a book that has to be read by all women on this planet. Men should also read this book so that they understand how women really think about their careers and help them to get out of the ambition whirlpool. I also recommend this book to be read by women from other planets; however I strongly believe that they live in matriarchal societies and cover more than 50 % of the leadership positions. This book will be like a history text book for them.

Of Men and Household Chores

Men are also a part of the women’s world and we women interact with them on a day to day basis. I got married in August 2012 and since then I am living with an adorable man.

After our cooking maid went to Ooty for about 10 days, my husband has been helping me cook every day during her absence. On one of the days he cooked some rice, thawed frozen chapathi and also made peanut chutney using the mixer. I was so excited about my husband’s culinary developments that I elatedly told my mother about all that he made. My mother also got excited and she remarked that, ‘I am proud of my son-in-law’. A few hours in the kitchen and my hubby earned a great deal of praise and appreciation.

My husband’s cooking act sparked a discussion between me and my mom.

My mother said, ‘Men do not mind doing household chores as long as they are linked with technology and do not take a long time. For example, chores like cooking rice in a rice cooker, washing clothes in a washing machine and cutting vegetables in a fancy vegetable cutter are done by men with ease and willingness. Technology and men go together. As a matter of fact, it must be men who invented the pressure cooker and the washing machine.’

So I googled it up, ‘Did men really invent the washing machine and the pressure cooker?’

The pressure cooker was created by Denis Papin (who is a man) in the year 1679. His invention was named as the Papin digester. He later invented the safety valve after the cookers started blowing up due to steam build-up. So there you go ladies, it was a man who made our cooking faster, easier and tastier with the pressure cooker (http://missvickie.com/library/history.html).

The original papin digester

I looked for answers in the all-knowing web about who invented the washing machine. James King patented the first hand powered washing machine in the year 1851. It was Alva J Fisher who invented the first electric powered washing machine (both of them male).

My mom was right. It was men who made the women’s life easier in the kitchen with technology. It is no wonder that men of this generation love to use the devices designed by their long gone ancestors. So women, one of the ways to get men do the household activities is to convert it into a fun stuff by using the latest gadgets.

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Image of papin digester from http://www.123rf.com/photo_14986669_old-illustration-of-steam-digester-invented-by-french-physicist-denis-papin-in-1679-original-by-unkn.html

Image of washing machine from
http://lifeisbetterthangood.blogspot.in/2009_03_01_archive.html

Of Women and the Mirror Genie

I met one of my close friends and her daughter a couple of weeks ago. Her daughter looked cute with a small bun tied to the side of her head. My friend told me that her daughter loved to look at herself in the mirror. I have heard similar stories about my niece, as well. She is one year old and she enjoys looking at herself in the mirror. I started wondering about what kids see in the mirror, how do they perceive themselves? Initially, they must be surprised to see somebody doing the same actions as they do, later they realize that the image in mirror is their reflection. What happens as we grow older?

As we grow older, we start analysing how the person looks in the mirror. Our brain takes the role of the mirror genie in Show White & the Seven Dwarfs, which told the Queen, ‘Oh Queen you are the fairest in the world’ or ‘Oh Queen you are no longer the fairest’. So what does our mirror tell us?, ‘Oh dear, your nose looks too wide, or you look too stout or your lips are too thin and your chin protrudes out of your face’ and we start feeling bad about our features, which we admired and loved as a kid. We never believe that we are beautiful. It took a man to tell me how beautiful I am. My husband told me, ‘Do you realize how beautiful you are? Didn’t anybody tell you that ?' I nodded my head in disagreement. Well, my mirror never told me that, it always ridiculed how I looked.  

Even the mirrors of the superstars tell similar things as they do for common women. I read in one of the issues of Femina that Aishwarya Rai used to feel that her eyes were slant and her nose was broad when she was in her teens. That feeling must have subsided after she became Miss. World. Aishwarya Rai was too critical about how she looked. We do not appreciate our beauty, whereas  others have much better opinions about our features.

Dove did a campaign called as ‘Dove Real Beauty Sketches’, to prove that women are the greatest self-critics when it came to their looks. Women from different cities around the world participated in this campaign. An experienced forensic artist drew women without looking at them based on the descriptions they gave about themselves. Later, they called another woman, who had short acquaintance with the woman he drew and he re-created the picture of the participant based on her friend’s description. The participants were shown these two sketches of themselves. The difference between the two pictures was enormous. The first picture looked gloomy and ugly where as the second one looked pretty and closer to how the women truly were. This experiment tells us to not take heed of the mirror genie's words. It always underrates our beauty. We are much more beautiful than we think we are.

More details about the dove campaign can be obtained by clicking the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=litXW91UauE

Of Women, Rapes and Media

I am so tired and sick of reading news about rapes, almost every day. Women and young girls getting raped is sad and inhumane. Reading these rape incidents made me ask two questions. Are we reading more country because after the Delhi rape case, the media wants to enlighten the people about similar incidents? Or is it because more rapes are happening? Enlightening the people about the events happening around them is a good thing. We can identify the most common causes in which a rape is happening, the locations, the trends-private buses, isolated places, a lonely kid at home and the neighbour who takes advantage of her etc.,. We can take precautions to avoid such situations to the maximum extent possible.

 The only harmful part about the rape coverage is when the complete story of the rape is not given. We know that an innocent victim has been raped. What happened to the perpetrators after the crime? Are they brought to justice? How long does it take to bring them to justice? If the media covers only the details of the rape and not the aftermath it could lead to a flux of rapes because people with misogynist and anti-social attitudes feel that they can go away unpunished. This situation reminds me of the suicide story that Malcolm Gladwell wrote in his book, The Tipping Point. In his book, he discusses about the teenage suicide epidemic in South Pacific Islands of Micronesia. The suicide rates were 10 times higher than anywhere else in the world in 1970’s and 1980’s and the kids did it just for fun. Yes, you read it right, for fun. After a string of suicides were publicized by media, kids wanted to try it and see how it felt like to commit a suicide and they died in that process. A similar scenario will happen in our country as well. The only way to avoid rapes is to not only give information about the rape but also glorify the punishment as well. Humiliate the offenders in broad day light with his face exposed and him experience the wrath and hatred of the world. There is nothing worse than public humiliation for any person. Let such baseless beings shiver about the thought of the aftermath of rape even before committing such crime. Cover each step of the trial until the victims get justice. The media must shift the focus from rape to punishment.

 We are a very reactive bunch of crowd. Somebody did react after the delhi rape and came up with a scientific rape defense system. Manisha Mohan, an Aeronautical Engineering student from SRM University in Chennai along with her fellow students, Niladhri Basu Bal and Rimpi Tripathi developed an anti-rape bra, which has pressure sensors and detects the change in pressure and sends a 3800 KV electric shock through the garment 82 times. This equipment will also send the GPS co-ordinates of the victim’s location to a relative or to the nearest police station. Kudos to the team, but do we really have to exhort to such extreme measures to keep women safe in our country?

http://www.popsci.com/technology/article/2013-04/zap-away-would-be-attackers-3800kv-anti-rape-bra

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-22110443